Cancer Can't Steal My Love

Dum dum da dum
dum dum da dum
dum dum da dum dee dum dum dee dum dah dum.

It was my wedding day and Paul's cousin played the Wedding March on the church organ.  His fingers danced over those keys and the most melodious tune echoed through the sanctuary.   I sashayed down the aisle in the most beautiful dress I have ever worn.  I felt like a pretty princess and, although I have NEVER in my life aspired to be a pretty princess (more like a Xena the Warrior Princess or a Hiking Princess or She-Ra Princess of Power) that day, pretty princess felt fun.  I knew I was fooling no one....no one expected to be become suddenly refined or lady-like in that moment but we all played into the pretty-princess daydream for a time.  I met my beloved at the end of the aisle and we clasped hands and grinned widely at each other.  What a moment of complete joy!

The minister was saying our vows and I remember bobbing my head (hair carefully coiffed and cemented into place, tiny pearls swaying at my ear lobes).
"Yeah yeah, " I thought, "for better for worse through good times and bad...yeah...yeah....just get on with it so I can smooch the guy."
I licked my lips in anticipation and caught Paul's gaze.  He narrowed his eyes and I knew he was thinking, "Oh no, not so much slobber!" but he daren't say a thing to ruin the moment.  Good man!
Once we had said our fervent "I DOs", we enthusiastically smooched to seal the deal.  Paul dabbed delicately at the slime left behind.

Husband and wife.
Two halves made whole.
Promising to love and guide, to love and assist and to never forsake as long as we live.
Our lives knit together through vows, wet smooches and a lifetime of experiences and memories.
Our wedding text was from Romans 8:31b "If God is for us, who can be against us?"  a rhetorical questions that is still answered later on in the chapter....."No, in all these things we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us."  Romans 8: 37

If God is for us, who can be against us?  Handships?  Grief and loss?  Anxiety?  Depression?  Cancer?

Nothing separates us from God's love.

And this is great news.  Because I am crazy about my hubby but there are days when I want to kick him in the shins.  On these days, I take a deep breath and then.....kick him in the shins.

But there are other days, such wonderful days when we hold hands and all the years slip away and we are gazing giddily into each other's eyes again awaiting a sloppy sealing smooch.


Skip back for a moment:  We were meant to be together....?
One of the first times I saw Paul was at a hockey game.  He was the goalie and had emerged from his dressing room with still wet hair slicked back from his forehead.  He wore a white t-shirt, dog tags and loose fitting jeans.  His hockey bag lay at his feet and he was leaning on his goalie stick while he talked to some teammates.
I was chatting with my cousin whose husband played on the same team.  She saw where my gaze was directed and noticed that a feverish look had come into my eyes.  Also I think a sliver of drool slid down my chin and I began talking in gibberish (because it is hard to talk while you drool, duh!).

"Oh, him," stated my cousin, "that's Paul VanHuisstede.  He's our goalie."
"Gurgle gurgle," I gurgled.
"You know.  You guys would make a great couple.  He's weird too!"

Well, that was it!  The guy was eye-candy but WEIRD TOO?  This was too much.  I set my eye on that man and within the year, we were dating.

We dated for a looooooong time.  Seven years to be exact but Paul patiently waited because I insisted on waiting until I got my University degree.  After teaching for my first year, we were married.

Several years of just he and I sped by and soon babies began to arrive.
Golden haired Liam.
Donovan Drake.
Beautiful Gwen.
Sweet Lochlan.

Our years of babies were followed by some dark years.  Years of plaguing anxiety and despairing depression on Paul's part.  I figured there were some of the "for worse" years that the minister had talked about during our wedding vows.  But we clung to one another, sought professional help and clung to God's plans.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope"  Jeremiah 2: 11
We read and re-read our Bible for assurances, we remembered our wedding text:  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" and over the years, things began to look slowly better again.

And then, CANCER.

My cancer, my brother's father-in-law's cancer, my mom's cancer.  So much cancer.

I thought this would be a terrible journey.  A horrific one that would bring back the anxiety and depression; that would tear up our family life into tiny pieces of worry, worry and tears.  What about our beautiful children?  I thought how could I do this to them.

I prayed to God and said,"God, you can't do this because my family needs ME.  They need me to be strong and to support and to take care of them all...."
But then I really feel that God told me that He could do all that stuff and it had been him, not me taking care of everything all along.  He humbled me and made me so thankful that my family's welfare didn't rest on me.

But this cancer journey has not only been nauseating and gross, uncomfortable and terrible.  There have been moments of great joy, curious moments of hilarity and tender moments that have wrapped our whole family in the arms of our loving God.

Most of my chemotherapy appointments are precluded by another appointment a day earlier where I have blood work done and meet up with my oncologist.  Most of these appointments, I am accompanied by my dear hubby, Paul.  We are so thankful that he has been able to come along with me to be there for this leg of our journey together.

Getting bloodwork done takes the nurses about 2.1 seconds to do.  I have barely enough time to register that I don't like needles and the needle is in, drawing blood and out.

Visiting with the oncologist often means waiting for at least an hour before seeing him.  I love this time with Paul.  We talk and talk and talk.  Paul is an awesome conversationalist and talking with him is like talking with an old girlfriend.  I believe I can talk to him about anything; my hopes, fears, joys, plans for new curriculum, poetry, anxieties for tomorrow.  Sometimes we get a coffee and talk in the cafe.
"I'm scared about losing a breast," I confessed one day, "first I'm bald and then I have only one breast?  I will look like a freak!"
"Well," Paul responds, "we could paint you yellow and say you are a Minion." (See Despicable Me movie character)
I barked out a laugh and my tears dried up.  That's another thing about Paul.  He is the funniest man I know.  We have shared so many moments of laughter even while we have had tears on our faces!

I am glad to have Paul at my side during all of this.  For better or for worse is what we promised to each other, to God and a room full of people on our wedding day.  We have shared so many wonderful days and so many hard days.  Paul has been a rock to me; standing steady, always ready to wipe away my tears and assure me of his love.  And then to crack a well-timed joke.

Cancer cannot take all this away.  Not the fact that God's love holds me to Him and that He has a plan in there for me, Paul, my kids, my mom and dad, my siblings, my brother's father-in-law.  He has a plan with all this cancer.  And cancer cannot take away my Paul or our memories together.  In fact, cancer has given us lovely memories together: dates at the Juravinski Centre.

There should be a sound track to this; I'm sure Paul would know the perfect song to end off this blog entry that began with a song.  I don't and that is another reason why I need and love him.  He is my soundtrack.