Raising Our Daughters: Have MANY Conversations. (Sometimes talk.)
Raising our daughters - and our sons, for that matter - means we need to be doing a lot of talking and even more listening.
We need to talk about All The Things.
Talk about school and friends and relationships; talk about God and faith and a prayer life; talk about stress and healthy stress-relief options; talk about sex and sexuality; talk about social media and cultural influences; talk about mental health.
And ensure that more than half of these conversations involve you just listening. Listen to your daughters (and your sons) talk about their worries, fears, and relationships. Listen while she shares her hopes, faith journey, anxieties, passions, dreads, dreams, passions, friend-dramas, and doubts.
Listen and let her ask questions. Don't shut her down, silence her, shame her, say she shouldn't feel that way. She just told you she does. Be the safe place she needs to express her negative emotions.*
Listen well. Listen quietly. Stop what you are doing because the laundry/ dinner/ phone call WILL wait for you and this moment may not. Let your ears be open and available for all those conversations that your daughters (and sons) need to have. The most meaningful ones will happen when you are too busy or when it's too late at night or you have just made yourself a hot cup of tea and cracked open your novel. Trust me.
Keep your ears open even then.
And practice your poker face. Make eye contact. Quiet your breathing. Silence your rebuttals. Practice your poker face and quieted body language because if you have NOT had at least one conversation with your child that you DID NOT WANT TO HAVE - that made you feel uncomfortable, or overwhelmed, or scared, or nervous about what the neighbours/pastor/your family might say - you need to ask yourself if you are even talking about things that matter.
Go to the hard topic places. Let your child be intense and honest. Let her spill her darkest thoughts and worries into your adult lap. Let her ask questions and vocalize her doubts.
Because - trust me - if you are not the one having these conversations with her, SOMEONE ELSE WILL.
Are you afraid you won't know how to respond well?
Are you worried that you won't be eloquent enough to say what needs to be said?
Are you disquieted by the notion that you are not smart enough, trained enough, good enough to hear her out?
Well, join the club that's called Parenting!
It's okay to say, "I don't know." You are not letting her down; you are honouring her just by hearing her out and then acknowledging that you might not have the answers either.
It's healthy to admit, "I never looked at it that way. What a fresh perspective."
It's fine to respond with, "Phew, that's a heavy topic for midnight! Let's talk for 10 more minutes then head to bed and go for coffees in the morning. I want to talk more about this, but, dang, I am tired!"
It's wise to reply with, "I don't agree with your line of thinking but I respect your questions. Let's go talk to someone who can give us both some clarity!"
It's heartening to say, "Let's pray together right now about this."
It's necessary to share, "I love you so much and God loves you even more. I'm honoured that you trust me to talk with you about these things. I'm so thankful for this time with you."
Talk. And listen.
It's okay that you don't have all the answers for her. She just needs some help holding all her words.
May God bless you with shoulders to lean on, hands to hold her, and great big ears for all she has to share.
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bv
* Adam Young, "The Big Six: What Every Child Needs from their Parents", adamyoungcounseling.com
