'Cause Everybody Hurts Sometimes

I was on a hike recently.  It was a Sunday afternoon and we had some time before our evening service so a hike seemed like a wonderful thing to do.  The sky was a brilliant blue and the leaves were bedecked in a colourful display.  The closest hike trail to my home is a rail trail so that is where I headed with our trusty yellow lab and my trusty 4 children.  We spilled forth from the car, untangled ourselves from the dog's leash, rearranged our jackets and set out.  The thing about rail trails is that they tend to be very straight and the same and just lack sweeping vistas, fallen trees to climb, mossy ponds to explore and an abundance of wildlife.  Therefore they are not my favourite flavour of hike; apparently my feelings have been shared and absorbed and my children are becoming a similar flavour of hiking-snob.
"This is not a real hike," Donovan snorted kicking at the gravel (GRAVEL!) path.
"There's no where to go but straight..."  Liam dragged out the word so that the word "straight" became a word synonymous with "SO-BORING".....I even thought I saw his eyes beginning to work an eye-roll but he is only 10 and hasn't yet perfected that disdainful gesture......something to do with a direct correlation of the gravitational pull on eyes and the teenaged years, I've heard.
"I'm tired.  My legs are broken.  I can't walk."  This from my four-year-old Lochlan who has decided that feeling tired or just not wanting to walk means that his legs are broken.  This is very hilarious when you are not the one faced with the prospect of carrying said grumpy, tired 4-year-old along with holding onto the leash of uber hyper Lab puppy whose legs are definitely not broken and who is definintely not tired but is hurling himself with high energy and speed in any direction.
"Mom, can we go on a real hike?" whined Gwen; adding to the sour harmony of disquiet and discontent on a hike that was supposed to bring peace.

Sometimes hikes are like that.
Sometimes days are like that.
Sometimes life is like that.

Peppered along the straight, boring rail trail are park benches.  Beautifully arranged and situated where the view does open up and where one can take a moment to enjoy it and rest.  I came close to one and noticed a plaque; a plaque inscribed with the same text that has been inscribed on my heart and on my life these last few months especially.

"God is my refuge and strength, a very-present help in trouble"  Psalm 46: 1

A text that has become our school theme, family theme and that keeps popping up like God is reminding our family again and again and again and again......that He IS our refuge; He IS our strength and He IS there in the midst of this trouble that we are in.

I saw that text sitting there on the park bench and I felt God, not just in the sweet autumn scents of the fresh fall air, not just in the twitterings of birds swooping overhead, not just in the colourful leaves floating down on streams of autumn air.....but I felt God in His words:
"I am your refuge, I am your stength, I am very-present in the midst of trouble"

It's so comforting to be assured of God's presence in days of turmoil isn't it?
Here is the plaque:

Look closely.  read the text.  Lovely, right.  Now notice that this is not just for me but rather dedicated to a little girl, a "little angel called back to heaven."
Ugh.

I read and snapped a picture of it on my phone and thoughts kept swirling around my head.  Soon, my lovely 4 blessings and our energetic dog wrestled our way back to our car and drove home.  I felt unsettled.  Comforted by God's words that I had found on a hike, but unsettled nonetheless.

My cancer diagnosis hurts.  It hurts because of the way it is so terrifying to hear Cancer associated with my name.  It is terrifying because of the uncertainties this brings to my family life.  I want to be a strong parent for my beautiful children and my wonderful husband but there are days when I am bed-ridden and cannot be.  It is terrifying because I don't know what God has planned in the long run for me and my family.   And I worry about them.....my babies....
But my hurt is not alone.
Look at that plaque.
A family hurts because a loved one is gone....
They are not alone....
A beloved loved one whose years-long disease eroded all natural chances of childbearing and now she and her husband ache for babies that never came....
They are not alone....
I have seen depression lead loved ones to feel that the only way that they can bring joy to their families is by erasing themselves.......violent suicide..
They are not alone...
A beloved friend saw her brother pass away from cancer and then she was diagnosed with cancer one month later...
She is not alone....
A young mother waved good bye to her husband; he took some interested buyers on a test drive of his truck.  She never saw him alive again...
She is not alone...
A father's cancer is back.  He is in so much pain but bravely faces more treatments...
He is not alone...
Isis...
Hurricanes..

Today the rain drops streak all my house windows like giant tears from heaven and I think that if there is one thing that unites us all, it is suffering.

Death sorrow sadness uncertainty grief hot tears falling down down down

We all hurt sometimes, don't we?  You can add your list of sorrows to mine.  Our list will be long.  Watch the news and add some more.
Our world is not a comfortable place to be in.  It is broken and uncertain.

These are the thoughts I had when I saw that plaque.

And then I began to hear in my mind the opening lines to an old song that struck a melancholic chord in my once teenaged mind....remember R.E.M.?  (the band?)  They released this song in 1993, I believe, and it is called "Everybody Hurts".  The tempo is slow, low,  and it will resonate with you especially if you are feeling hurt.
The music video is excellent.  A car pulls up to a traffic jam and the camera begins to sweep over all the cars and the individuals inside the car.  Subtitles offer the watcher a glimpse of the thoughts of all these car-bound people.   They are not a happy bunch.
"Stop singing stop singing stop singing" thinks one teenaged boy
"She is gone" ruminates an old man with red-rimmed eyes
"No one can see me" contemplates a lip-sticked woman as she glances side to side.
It is a video that illustrates so much of life.  We are all on a journey in this life.  We exist within the bubbles we have created - us, our family, maybe some friends - and so often we feel at a standstill, stuck, mired perhaps in sorrows or hurt or grief but certainly in loneliness.

The song's climax or crescendo is when one of the R.E.M. guys steps out of his car and begins belting out "HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON....." and while his voice echoes over the stalled traffic, car doors open and everyone steps out and begins walking together.  No longer isolated in their cars, they move forward.

I love the imagery of this song.  We suffer in this life, but we are NOT alone.  There are those suffering alongside us.  With us.  We suffer in this life and feel stuck, unable to move forward but when we reach out and allow others to walk with us, we can move.
R.E.M. belts out "hold on" and it always troubled me that they don't mention what we should hold on to and that brings my brain-thinkings full circle to that plaque. You know, the one in the above photograph that I found on my rail trail hike?

God.
After all, He is the one who peppers my life with people.  Family.  Friends.  Church family.  Neighbours.  Random people met in random places.  Old friends that I haven't seen in years.  When we step outside of the bubble of our life and share our pain and sorrows, the load is lighter and we can move forward.

God is my refuge.  I can hide in my confidence that He has a plan in all this.  I am significant.  You are significant.  if you are here, He has a job, a place, a love for you and me.  He's not done with us yet!

God is my strength.  He gives me strength through His words and even puts His words where He is sure I will read them.....on a hike!  God is obvious.  Do you see Him?  Do you hear Him?

God is my ever-present help in trouble.  I'm in trouble.  My hair keeps falling out, I am tired and cranky, and sometimes I worry about what the future will bring.  God is always there to reassure me.  In fact, He constantly does with all the people around me.  My kitchen is completely filled with cards of people thinking of and praying for my family.

Are you in trouble?
Do you hurt?

Everybody does sometimes.

Let's reach out to one another.  Lift each other up the way God wants us to.  Hold on to each other and hold on to Him.

This blog is dedicated to Herman Faber.  I saw Herman in the chemo suite yesterday and Paul and I hugged Herman and his wife, Joanne.  Herman had cancer 13 years ago, beat it but then it came back.  Despite recent chemo and treatments, the cancer prevails.   It prevails but it will not win, Herman.  Hold on.  Hold on to God and to all those people in your path; they are there from God to help carry you through.

This blog is dedicated to all those who hurt.  You know who you are.  Someday, God will dry every one of our tears; and I have a LOT , so I will be keeping Him busy for a while; but you will have your turn!

Today marks the halfway point of my chemotherapy treatments.  In fact, today was the last of the "red devil" chemo.  Only four more chemo rounds to go!  I am happy, I am....underneath the melancholy and the anxiety; the fears for tomorrow and the tears for today.

Everybody hurts and today I am taking a small turn.
But I am holding on....don't worry.

Do me a favour.  Hold on too.  Let's pray for each other.
God bless,
Brigette

Take a Hike, Chemo Three, and take Nausea with You! Of Hikes and Hallways.

For all who remain unaware, today is Wednesday (all day even).  For those in my little world, that translates into "today is HIKE day" and this is a glorious occasion.

Will you allow me to backtrack and explain a little?  Will you abide by while I explain?  I will attempt to be succinct although I am not certain my succincting gene was properly installed.....

Well, here goes.....once upon a time, long ago and far away I fell in LOVE with hiking.  The crunch of the gravel path underfoot; the colourful canopy of tree branches raised in supplication above; the walls that were not walls at all but, instead, promises of new paths that could be taken....I found all of this so alluring.

Perhaps it was the family walks my mom and dad, Crystal, Tim, Conrad and I used to take together after church on Sundays.  A lovely walk down tree-lined hills towards a little waterfall on the Grand River.  Perhaps it was a gene passed on from my walk-loving mother.  Perhaps it was all the camping and outings we had in Elora Gorge Park or the Elora Quarry, where every walk was transformed into a breathtaking hike along immense cliffs.  Either way, I fell in love with hikes.

As I grew older and had children,  I met other women who shared this love.  Together we would strap on our children in slings and carrying backpacks, load up a few more in double strollers, equip any of the tiny walkers with appropriate hiking attire and set out.  Hiking is always awesome.  Hiking with kids is hilarious awesome!  Whereas I can get preoccupied with getting from Starting Point to Destination, my tiny hikers have taught me (time and time and time again) that the hike is all in the details.  The tiny caterpillar crawling across the path, glimpses of white-tailed deer running for their life from the racket we bring into nature, beautiful blossoms shyly lifting their faces to the sun, birds eating from our hands, muskrats, wood ducks, snakes that hiss a warning, caves that must be explored, trees that beg to be climbed, swamps that beckon.......so many details to witness when hiking with children...

"A CATERPILLAR!  We should watch him, mom."
"Why does he move like that?  Why are his colours brown and black?  What does he eat?  Did God make him too?"

"Mom, look at this frog I just caught!  Yes, I am wearing my good running shoes.  No, I did not realize that I wasn't supposed to get soaking wet already on this hike.....  but look at this frog's face when I kiss him!"

"MOM!  Look at how high I can climb in this tree!  Mom!  Look!  Uh, mom.....can you come and get me out.  Mom, I'm scared....MOM?  MOM?"

"Mom, I hafta pee.....can I pee on this flower or that flower?  Now I hafta poo...."

But when I began to homeschool and my hiking companions began to send their kids to "away school", our schedules became too different for regular hiking times.  Bye-bye regular hiking with Amanda and Mar....:(
That was when I discovered the hiking group within Beacon of Hope Homeschool Group.  Hello!  This group had been hiking together for years and years and years.  I recognized in these ladies a similar glint of insanity when it comes to being outside with our kids......a similar raw NEED to be there.

(side note: yes, I will get to the part where my treatment for today weighs in.  Be patient, make yourself a tea.  We will get there together, you and I.  We will get there together.)


Back to the crazy, hike-lovin' ladies I met.  The routine that had been established was that we would meet together on Wednesday mornings at different locations around our city:  Iroquois Heights, Red Hill Creek, Sanctuary Park, Canterbury Hills, Tiffany Falls, Eramosa Karsts.....like the stuff out of Tolkien book!  Whoever could make it out to the scheduled hike, would come out.  These hikes are glorious and unrefined and beautiful.  We meet together, strap on babies with slings or carriers, load up littles into strollers, equip bigger kids with shoes and walking sticks and set off.  There are usually at least 6 or 7 mothers on an average day with about 24 children.  Our vans pull up to the trail-head and children tumble and spill out in eager excitement.  Before you could holler, "WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU KIDS ARE DOING?" those children are in trees, poking under rocks and exploring.  We have hand fed chickadees and white-breasted nuthatches; witnessed white-tailed deer grazing; spied on muskrats building their homes; assisted a stuck salmon on its salmon run; examined white trilliums growing boldly in the spring and held salamanders gently before releasing them back into their natural habitat.   It is a glorious, wonderous, marvelous couple of hours spent in nature.

Back when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and felt as if the "earth had given way" beneath me, my oncologist said that we should begin our chemotherapy treatments and that Wednesday would be the day.
Before I could stop myself, I held out a hand and  I blurted, "Oh no no no I can't!  That's my hike day..."
Silence fell.
My oncologist looked at me blandly from under his great, bushy grey eyebrows (I think he even raised one of those bushy boys in a sardonic manner!)
"We do want to help you get better...." he paused dryly to allow the weigh-in of hike vs chemo to sink in.  I think I overheard some crickets chirping for a few moments......crickets hate dead silences.  So do barking dogs.  A dog barked in the distance.

See, I need chemo to get better.  I understand that and I am so thankful to live close to the Juravinski Centre so that this is an easily accessible option.  I choose chemo.  I have to to get better.  It is part of the process, God willing, that will restore my health.
But......oh Hiking.....it restores my soul.
When I am out in nature, plugged in to it, filling my nostrils with its scents, and feasting my eyes on the detailed delights of leaves, birds, bugs and critters, I feel God.  He is all around in His creation.  I feel relaxed, rejuvinated, restored.  I feel Him in the beauty and the details, I feel His assurance, comfort, strength and love so immensely when I am in nature.

Hallways make me feel closed in, captured, cramped, claustrophobic.
But for a time, my hike day has been hijacked by hallways.  White, pristine, window covered hallways.  Where your shoes squeak on the tiled floor and the smells are all of some chemical.   Where the only animals allowed are guide-animals strictly adhering to their job.  Where you are expected to go from destination to destination and not explore.  I am confined.

Today was Chemo Three!  My Mother-in-Law accompanied me while my Mom stayed home with my tiny explorers.  We arrived and my mother-in-law promptly made several friends with various patients in the waiting room.  She has this gift for being able to get to know anyone who make eye-contact!
Wrapped up in warm blankets, the vile Chemo Three was administered.  I slept and my mother-in-law giggled along to the book that she was reading.
"It's HILARIOUS, Brigette, you have to read it!"  I really should read this book, I have been hearing about it's hilarity for some time.

Then all was done and we hiked through the hallways and made our way home.  All night, I have been eating little so as not to arouse the suspicians of my inner organs.  My theory is the less I feed them so soon after Chemo, the less likely they are to arouse Nausea.   Because I have a little something to say to Nausea but I will whisper it, "I am done with Chemo Three.  Hurrah!  So, take a hike, Nausea!"

So far, so good..........

Thank you for suffering through the ramblings of this baldish girl.  Thank you for caring, thank you for praying, thank you for your cards, meals and thoughts.  God is so good to us through you!  He is our strength through you.  Thank you so much, from myself and Paul, Liam, Donovan, Gwen and Lochlan

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."  Psalm 23: 1-3a