All the Life We Can Live

About a year ago, I was asked to join a book club.
This club consists of a number of ladies from my church.  One of us picks a book, we all read it and then meet together to discuss it.  This is great fun!  I am challenged to read books that I have not heard of or to explore a genre that I have ventured into before.  I love this!   On our Book Club Nights, there is always food and sometimes wine.  It is a deliciously wonderful time.  Now you all want to join too, don't you?

The book we just finished reading and discussing between slurps of wine and the munching of food is called "All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr.  This was a great read and it takes place during World War II.  I don't want to give too much away but I really want to share a conversation that takes place between some of the main characters in the story:

Here it is:

"He says, 'You are very brave.'
She lowers the bucket.  'What is your name?'
He tells her.  She says, 'When I lost my sight, people said I was brave.  When my father left, people said I was brave.  But it is not bravery; I have no choice.  I wake up and live my life.  Don't you do the same?'"

This conversation has haunted me for days.  And days.  But I could not look this part of the story up again because I had returned my borrowed copy to Mindy.  My physiotherapist.  And friend.  And fellow Book-Club-Goer.

I kept thinking, I have to borrow that book again.  I want to reread this conversation and mull it over.

Today, as I bolted to my radiation appointment......Radiation Rush #16.....I noticed a familiar book lying at the VERY TOP OF THE PILE OF DONATED BOOKS.  You know, those donated books that I was just talking about yesterday....the ones that always distract me as I rush past to my appointments.
Right there.
On the top of the pile.
"All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr.

"I was just thinking about you," I murmured to the book as I picked it up and sniffed it.  (My name is Brigette and I sniff books.  Doesn't everyone??)
I began paging through it and quickly found that haunting conversation.

Go on.....reread it....

"He says, 'You are very brave.'
She lowers the bucket.  'What is your name?'
He tells her.  She says, 'When I lost my sight, people said I was brave.  When my father left, people said I was brave.  But it is not bravery; I have no choice.  I wake up and live my life.  Don't you do the same?'"

Beautiful isn't it?
Here's why it has haunted me.
Since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have had SO MANY people tell me that I am brave or amazing or strong.

"I could NOT do what you are doing, Brigette!" one friend proclaimed to me one day and I didn't really know what to say.

I did not feel brave.
Or amazing.
Or strong at all.
Only when I prayed did I feel fortified and my prayers were often of the tear-streaming-down-my-face variety.
So here is my (very late) response...

"When I was diagnosed with cancer, people said I was brave/ strong/ amazing.  But it is not bravery/ strength/ amazingness; I have no choice.  I wake up and live my life.  Don't you do the same?"

I think ending there would be quite powerful and literary, but my fingers are still typing...

"Halt, fingers!" say I, but they will not listen.  I may have to bite them or snatch them away from the keyboard.  This may get messy...

Here is why my fingers insist on typing beyond that rephrased quote.  I have two things I would like to add:

1.  Last August, I was not given a choice.
God certainly did not say to me, "Brigette.  Would you like to face cancer for the next year or a Caribbean Cruise?"
Because I can most confidently ASSURE you that I would have gone for the Cruise.
Not cancer.
Ever!
Yet, I have learned so much in the past year.
And I have LOVED writing to you.
Take that pain and turn it into your passion, someone said to me.
Take that rage.  Put it on the page.  Take the page to the stage and blow the roof off the place, the-band-Script sings out.

My family has grown closer too.  You know my one son who had outgrown kisses?  Tonight I threatened him:  "I'm gonna kiss and lick you, Dons!" I said and lurched towards him, tongue lolling.
"Just kisses!" he smirked back and leaned his cheek toward me.
I was so stunned and gave him as many smooches as I could land on that sweet little cheek before he could recoil and wipe off my mommy-slime!

But it's been hard.  Stinkin' hard!  There have even been messy moments filled with arguing and fighting.  But we have been praying so hard and clinging to God so much and He is just AMAZING!

Wanna chat with someone?  He's always up.

Need to cry or whine or complain?  He will hear you out.

Feel powerless?  He is all powerful and He is there to tell you and me that He will make us strong when we lean on Him.

So....did I get a choice?  Nopers.  
Knowing what I now know, would I choose cancer?
Nope again!
But I am certainly glad that God is making these decisions and then coming along for the wild ride to assure and comfort, console and give hope.  
I have learned so much from Him.


2.  "I wake up and live my life."  I love that line.

I don't just want to survive, I want to LIVE.

To hike and read and slurp wine.
To heatedly argue with Paul and then smooch and make up afterwards.
To chase my kids around the yard or up the stairs :  "HERE COMES THE PINCH-MONSTER!"
To go out for dinner with my sister and friends.
To spend time with my mom and dad and mother-in-law.
To run and cartwheel; kayak and coach soccer.
So, I plan to do that.
LIVE.
Rest assured, I am FULLY aware that Cancer may come back some day and claim my other breast, my bones, my body, my breath.  It can take that all away but it will NEVER ERASE me!
God made me and laid out my days.  He is with me everyday.
I will wake up and live my life!

Please tell me you will too.
I know, sometimes you may need to be on autopilot because you are so tired-will-the-babies-ever-sleep-again?  Or you are so sick from chemo treatments or radiation.  Or so sad because you miss your beloved husband.  Or son.
You weren't give a choice, either, were you?
Know that God is there with you.  That He has your life in His hands.
That He sees your fatigue, nausea, and tears.
In the midst of it all.....look for Him....
Then wake up and live.

You are so brave.


Love you,
Brigette

Long ago God said to his people: "I have loved you with an everlasting love, with unfailing love I have drawn you to myself."  Jeremiah 31: 3 (NLT)