The Trauma of SILENCE.

 

**may contain trauma triggers**

Many years ago, she was assaulted. In broad daylight. She screamed, struggled, and ran home to hide. Later, a neighbour knocked on the door to tell her parents that he had witnessed everything.

Her parents had no idea how to handle this, and so they decided upon Silence.

"If we never talk about this, if we never bring it up with her or talk about it to anyone else, maybe she will forget! Maybe it will make her feel less upset/scared/traumatized. Let this never be spoken of again," they reasoned.

They loved her so much and they meant well.

But their Silence hushed any chance of a full and healthy recovery.

And heaped shame, blame, and embarrassment upon an already traumatic event

.

Life seems so much easier if we don't talk about the tough topics, doesn't it? If we skip over the obvious drinking problem or tendency towards violence or inappropriate behaviour, if we gently avoid discussion on the giant family issue that's tearing us apart.

Life and gatherings seem so much easier if we can just talk about the weather or the latest hockey game or the government or what's on Netflix.

(Shall we just avoid those HUGE and IMPORTANT topics like a faith crisis, like addiction issues, like betrayal and marital breakdown, like infertility or miscarriage, like disappointment or abuse, like pornography and church abuse, like suicide....?)

In doing so, we can talk around that Giant Elephant in the Room, sitting there all big and annoying and interrupting everything.

But why?

Why don't we talk about what's on our heart? Why don't we travel the dark roads with one another? Why are we unwilling to expose to the Light of Jesus the darkness of this world?

Silence stifles. It stops conversations. It shames and blames. It invites judgement and stigma.

But when we break the silence, we provide a space for important conversations (we engage the Elephant!) We invite compassion and healing and understanding. We lay stigma aside and see people.....hurting people in need of Jesus love and kindness.

Friends, engage the Elephant and end the trauma of silence today!

.

.

.

.

#womenencouragers #trauma

Breaking the SILENCE.

 

When they entered the church, an audible hush could he heard. Their twenty-something son had suddenly and tragically died the night before.

And they showed up at church grasping for the hope of Jesus and the comfort of His people.

They sat right beside me and I tensed. I had no idea - NO IDEA - what to say.

Finally, I scootched over and whispered, "I'm so sorry for your loss...I just....I don't know what to say..."

She turned a tear-streaked face toward me and I looked into eyes hollowed by grief and pain.

"That's okay. Sometimes no words are the best," she whispered. And then her cold hand clutched mine with desperation. As if I'd offered her a lifeline or anchor of hope.

We held hands and wept side-by-side for the duration of the service.

It was awkward.

It was uncomfortable.

It was inconvenient.

But it was right.

How do we break the silence when we don't know what to say?

We say, "I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry about ______. "

Or

We don't even use words.

We offer a hug, a shoulder to lean on, a pat, a text, a prayer right then and there, an email, an emoji (for goodness sakes....it can be as easy as an emoji!)

What we do do....is break the silence.

Why?

When we wade into the awkward and break the silence, we :

1. Acknowledge someone else's pain

2. Offer space to talk about it. Please don't assume that a person "doesn't want to talk about it". Perhaps this painful thing is ALL they want to talk about. You offer to listen and let them decide if they want to talk!

3. Lessen someone else's burden JUST by being there. Just by being WITH!

4. Push back the darkness of pain and grief just a little bit....by extending Jesus love, light, and compassion.

5. Encourage a culture where we wade into the awkward for the people we love.

Can you imagine a world where we talked each other through our pain?

Be the one to break the silence today.

Talk. Listen. Love. Repeat.

.

.

.

.

#womenencouragers #breakthesilence

#talk #listen #whensilencehurts

The STING of Silence.

 

He loomed over me and screamed in my face. Spittle clung to the corners of his raging mouth. I stepped backward, afraid that any response would incite further rage.

I was in Costco with my four young children and years later, I'm still uncertain why the man was so angry.

Years later, I still feel panicked and shaky as I recollect the encounter.

Years later, I recall an EVEN GREATER HURT than the screaming man .....and that is the stinging silence of the people around me.

The day that man spittle-screamed in my face, my four young children hid behind me while I glanced around for help or support or anything.

A woman quickly glanced away and feigned absorbed interest in the socks she was holding.

Two men walked speedily in a wide berth around me, my kids and the screamer.

A Costco worker folded shirts with her head tucked down, working extra hard to not look our way.

The building was packed with men and women who were busily shopping for their bulk-sized groceries but not one - NOT ONE - stepped forward to intervene, or stop the abusive yelling, or ask me if I was okay afterward.

"Not my business", I can imagine them saying to one another, or

"Not my place, or

I'm not good at confrontation, or

I just don't want to pick sides, or

It's just so awkward!"

My thoughts on this sort of silence?

Self-justified cowardice.

We live in a world where good and evil are always at war and we must - WE MUST - always stand up for, support, and intervene when wrong or injustice or sin is happening.

It is always our business and always the place and always the time.

If we stay silent, our silence picks a side because our silence CONDONES the wrong/sin/injustice, or at the very least lets the wrong/sin/ justice slide.

And

Our silence HOLDS BACK support, love, care, and battle for the victims of wrong/sin/injustice.

Imagine if Jesus said, "I just don't want to be awkward. I'm really not into confrontation..."

Imagine if Martin Luther King Jr said, "It's not really the right time to speak up...."

My friends, Speak Up against injustice,

because when you don't

your Silence stings!

.

.

.

#womenencouragers #whensilencehurts

Us against You??

 

Today, our team lost.

Even with the Before-Game strategy carefully reviewed in the van on the way over (Attack! Attack! Attack!) -

Even though there was passing and shooting and pucks pinging off the boards -

Even though our goalie achieved contortionist status as he sat in goalie-padded splits and swiped a puck out of midair-

Even though the coaches cajoled and coaxed and cheered and criticized and commanded -

Even then, we lost.

And the other team won.

It was their first victory of the season and their end-of-game celebration rivaled the greatest Stanley Cup playoff victory of all time. Sticks and gloves and helmets were thrown into the air and rained down like festive confetti.

Forwards and defense grabbed their goalie in a hug and they all fell to the ground in a communal embrace of joy.

They cheered and cheered and cheered whilst proud parents clicked pics to share with anyone and all who cared about a small victory in a house league in a tucked away arena of my hometown.

My son's friend was on that team and he exited the dressing room proudly wearing an army tag necklace with the words "NEVER QUIT!" etched onto the back.

"It's why we won!" he gushed to my son.

I expected disappointment or irritation from my child. Possibly about one hour of hockey-loss despair.

Instead he loaded his hockey bag and stick into the back of my van and said, "I'm kinda glad they won today. They deserved it."

The game is so much more than Us against You, isn't it?

It's about a thousand thousand collective experiences.

It's about sharing the fight and the dream and the sweet hard-earned victories with others.

It's about communal despair for the losses.

It's about teamwork that extends beyond the team.

It's about Us AND You.

.

.

.

.

bv

#hockeythoughts #arenainspirations #womenencouragers #loss #win #hockey

The Good Old Hockey Game??

 

The good old hockey game took a dark turn this past weekend...

I was rinkside in good Canadian style, decked out in my winter parka and toque, nursing a Tim's medium regular, cheering on my baby boy and his hockey teammates when I heard it:

Blood-curdling screams of raw rage ripped from the throat of the angriest eleven- year old I've ever seen. His shoulders curled in and he thrashed and slammed his stick on the ice over and over and over again.

And again.

I stopped clapping over the winning goal that my son's team had scored. I stopped because it was obvious that the screaming defenseman from the opposing team had lost control.

His screaming and stick-slamming continued and suddenly I realized: he's stuck.

This poor boy is out-of-control stuck.

But before I or anyone else could think or do or say anything, his teammate swooped in. Literally he skate-swooped in, slid a hockey-gloved arm around the screaming boy and HELD HIM.

It was part restraining hold, part hug and the screaming suddenly ceased.

His body slumped and relaxed in the tight hold, his stick clattered useless to the ice.

His teammate held him for a few more seconds.

"You good?" I imagine him whispering before letting go.

Then they both retrieved their hockey sticks and skated to the bench.

The moment passes so quickly and could have easily been lost and forgotten in a game that was nail-biting, exciting, and fast.

But, for me, it's the most memorable moment of the game.

The moment when one teammate is in DESPERATE need of help, and another one shows up.

That's teamwork at its finest, isn't it? Friendship at its best. Hockey or any other sport showing its most beautiful side.

Because goals are important, assists are amazing; saves are special and penalties perhaps are best forgotten.....but it's the teamwork and showing up for each other and being there for one another when we need help, that's the stuff of memories!

The good old hockey game took a dark turn this weekend. But, thanks to a teammate, the darkness was pushed back and did not win.

Kindness and teamwork and love did.

.

.

.

bv

#hockeygame #womenencouragers #hockey #teamwork #help #lovewins #sports

Raising our Daughters - FIGHT for her!

Just to be clear....I'm not JUST talking to the women who've birthed girls......I'm talking to the men and women who are PRESENT in the lives of the next generation of girls. I'm talking to the teachers / counselors / aunts / uncles / mothers / fathers/ writers /pastors / neighbors / friends / grandparents.

You, too, are raising daughters.

So....FIGHT for her.

There will be times when she cannot navigate this life because it's too heavy. Talk to her, guide her, pray with her, get her the help she needs.

Be her voice. Be her fingers tapping out phone numbers and making connections. Be her boundary-guard and fiercely hiss at anyone who dares cross her boundaries.

Unleash your inner adult warrior and fight for her.

There will be times when hormones or mental health struggles or physical health worries burden her or confuse her or make her mess up.

Be the stability she needs. Be strong and steady. Be her anchor and anchor her to the unending steadiness that is Jesus.

There will be times when she has forgotten her password or needs to figure out math or needs guidance traversing the social dynamics of high school.

Be present. Be all ears. Be gracious. Be patient (oh....be so patient).

There will be times when relationships are tangled and mixed up and messy. When a sibling or a friend has ghosted her or cut her off or ignored her or sent her a nasty text.

Love her! Tell her that you will be her army on the battlegrounds of this relationship. Embolden her with your words and ways of love.

There will be launchings. To kindergarten, Sunday school, high school, camp, college/university, and beyond. She will need you fight for her.....to dry her tears and teach her how to boil an egg.

There will be mistakes. She may lash out or call you names, she may question her faith, she may question other things you dare not repeat. Ah....these are the sweetest moments of all! Lean in, Warriors, and fight the hardest for her here.

Fight for her, with her, and alongside her. Fight over her and behind her.

Just keep on fighting.

She needs you.

.

.

bv

#womenencouragers #fight #raisingher

Raising our Daughters: Have MANY Conversations (Sometimes Talk).

 Raising Our Daughters: Have MANY Conversations. (Sometimes talk.)

Raising our daughters - and our sons, for that matter - means we need to be doing a lot of talking and even more listening.

We need to talk about All The Things.

Talk about school and friends and relationships; talk about God and faith and a prayer life; talk about stress and healthy stress-relief options; talk about sex and sexuality; talk about social media and cultural influences; talk about mental health.

And ensure that more than half of these conversations involve you just listening. Listen to your daughters (and your sons) talk about their worries, fears, and relationships. Listen while she shares her hopes, faith journey, anxieties, passions, dreads, dreams, passions, friend-dramas, and doubts.

Listen and let her ask questions. Don't shut her down, silence her, shame her, say she shouldn't feel that way. She just told you she does. Be the safe place she needs to express her negative emotions.*

Listen well. Listen quietly. Stop what you are doing because the laundry/ dinner/ phone call WILL wait for you and this moment may not. Let your ears be open and available for all those conversations that your daughters (and sons) need to have. The most meaningful ones will happen when you are too busy or when it's too late at night or you have just made yourself a hot cup of tea and cracked open your novel. Trust me.

Keep your ears open even then.

And practice your poker face. Make eye contact. Quiet your breathing. Silence your rebuttals. Practice your poker face and quieted body language because if you have NOT had at least one conversation with your child that you DID NOT WANT TO HAVE - that made you feel uncomfortable, or overwhelmed, or scared, or nervous about what the neighbours/pastor/your family might say - you need to ask yourself if you are even talking about things that matter.

Go to the hard topic places. Let your child be intense and honest. Let her spill her darkest thoughts and worries into your adult lap. Let her ask questions and vocalize her doubts.

Because - trust me - if you are not the one having these conversations with her, SOMEONE ELSE WILL.

Are you afraid you won't know how to respond well?

Are you worried that you won't be eloquent enough to say what needs to be said?

Are you disquieted by the notion that you are not smart enough, trained enough, good enough to hear her out?

Well, join the club that's called Parenting!

It's okay to say, "I don't know." You are not letting her down; you are honouring her just by hearing her out and then acknowledging that you might not have the answers either.

It's healthy to admit, "I never looked at it that way. What a fresh perspective."

It's fine to respond with, "Phew, that's a heavy topic for midnight! Let's talk for 10 more minutes then head to bed and go for coffees in the morning. I want to talk more about this, but, dang, I am tired!"

It's wise to reply with, "I don't agree with your line of thinking but I respect your questions. Let's go talk to someone who can give us both some clarity!"

It's heartening to say, "Let's pray together right now about this."

It's necessary to share, "I love you so much and God loves you even more. I'm honoured that you trust me to talk with you about these things. I'm so thankful for this time with you."

Talk. And listen.

It's okay that you don't have all the answers for her. She just needs some help holding all her words.

May God bless you with shoulders to lean on, hands to hold her, and great big ears for all she has to share.

.

.

.

.

bv

#womenencouragers #raisingdaughters #talk #listen #listenallthetime #listenwell #praytogether #love

* Adam Young, "The Big Six: What Every Child Needs from their Parents", adamyoungcounseling.com